Follow Me to the Senior Center – Conspiracy Theory

By Carl and Jo Ann Hauser
When I say there is a conspiracy afoot, you might want to consider the source. I’m not always that bright. For example every other week I serve as a greeter for my church. Standing at the same back door, I hand out the church bulletin. I couldn’t figure out how people I had never met or barely knew were calling me by name as they came into church. Then I remembered the name tag I had dangling from my neck. One Sunday morning I was a little bored and started looking around. I discovered someone had placed air freshener in my corner, right above my head. Seriously people, I take a bath almost every day ~ honest. I also try not to eat beans on Saturday night. So is it the guy who stands in that corner on the other Sundays that smells, or did they want me to think that I smell, so that I won’t smell, or is it just in case I do smell? I know, sounds more like paranoia than conspiracy.

The real conspiracy I want to talk about is a diabolical female plot (just one of many!). It’s called Valentine’s Day. Over the years women have recruited several co-conspirators: greeting card companies, florists, candy stores, and the worst offender of all . . . the jewelry store! These diamond brokers do know how to make a buck, though. I’m guessing those brown colored diamonds have been around forever, but they didn’t know what to do with them. Then some bright guy decided to call them ‘chocolate diamonds.’ They put them in a necklace with a 0 price tag. It kind of reminds me of donut holes. You put your leftovers in a box, and charge two dollars.

Valentine’s Day may be the single reason we no longer have more than one wife. If you got your women the same thing, you would be labeled as having no imagination. Different gifts would mean a fight for sure over who got the better gift. Valentine’s Day is not just about your generic alternative to nexium wife or girlfriend either. (That’s your wife OR girlfriend, not your wife AND girlfriend!) You at least have to give a card and chocolate to your mother and grandmother. But, not to your older sister who used to pulverize you as a child!

We will be having a Valentine’s party at the Senior Center. My wife Jo Ann wants the Valentine’s party to be like the Christmas gift exchange. I think she’s trying to trade me in for something better. I keep telling her: “No refunds, no exchanges, and no chocolate diamonds for you!” (Maybe some donut holes.) We will have some exciting activities at the Center: like wheelchair racing and a cake walk where the guys will already be sitting in the chairs waiting for one of the ladies to land in their laps. We’d play darts, if we could see that far. Finally, almost all our food is denture-friendly! So come on down to the Senior Center, and join us for Valentine’s Day! Bring your wife or girlfriend (not both!).

All right, men, I’m going to give you the answer to two questions that will keep you out of trouble. 1) Do women really like kissing a guy with a three-day-old beard? 2) When your wife tells you she doesn’t really want anything for Valentine’s Day, does she mean it? That would be: NO! and NO! So let’s review what we’ve learned. 1) Jo Ann will probably not be getting her chocolate diamonds this year. 2) Take your vacation over Valentine’s Day (kill two birds with one stone). 3) Your wife cannot trade you in at the Senior Center for a different model. 4) Be glad you have only one wife. 5) Don’t worry about me; sleeping in the garage is not that bad!

You can come to the Senior Center for more than just the parties ~ we have a great menu year ‘round! Check out the menu/calendar and take advantage of our transportation services, such as shopping in Alamogordo or a trip to the doctor. Call 682-3022 for lunch reservations. See how we roll at, continually updated by Marty Ware. May God bless you in your worthy endeavors!

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