Follow Me to the Senior Center – Eighteen Ways to Make Your Wife Really Mad

By Carl and Jo Ann Hauser
After several months of arm-twisting, my wife finally agreed to trade in our SUV. We had some road trips planned for the summer, and even though it had been a great vehicle, our SUV had over 218 thousand miles on it. I spotted a used Cadillac online. So with her still whining a little, we drove over to the dealership to check it out. The test drive went great, and as soon as she discovered the seats were air-conditioned (air-cooled booty), she was sold! We got the vehicle home, and everything was fine . . . well, except for the fact the bumpers had radar! Every time you got within two feet of anything, the car acts like it’s having a heart attack. My wife started to worry that a Cadillac is a little decadent. She was already getting embarrassed, and thought people might think she has money. Just to reassure everybody, the car is seven years old, and has 94 thousand miles. Jo Ann is not decadent; she has no money! Her five-dollar-a-week allowance only goes so far.

So, the eighteenth way to make your wife really mad: buy her a Cadillac. Seventeenth would be the five-dollar-a-week allowance. If you see her come into one of your shops in town, just ignore her . . . again, she has no money! Number sixteen would be when your wife sends you to the store for groceries, and you can’t remember what it was you were supposed to get, let alone where it is . . . that’s right, I’m now one of those guys you see in Wal-Mart on a cell phone receiving instructions from the commander in chief (Jo Ann). Fifteenth: never fix yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich ten minutes before your wife is ready to serve a meal she has slaved over all day. No explanation necessary. Fourteenth is the joint checking account, commonly known as ‘mine and mine’ or ‘hers and hers.’ Ninety percent of the marital rule is possession; make sure you hide the checkbook well. Thirteenth: don’t complain to your wife about stomach pain. Words I thought I would never say, “I had yogurt for breakfast.”

Number twelve is a little unique. I call it ‘the armpit conundrum.’ Jo Ann had been out on a walk with her girlfriend Marrianne. When she returned, I noticed a slight odor every time she entered the room. I innocently mentioned the smell in passing, and in the nicest possible way. The next thing I know, her hands are raised high above her head, while thrusting her armpit in my face, saying, “Is it me?” Gasping for air, my face turning green, I said, “Maybe.” A few weeks later I had been outside working, came in, and Jo Ann complained about a foul odor. So, I raised my arms, took one step toward her . . . she turned and ran screaming out of the room, which brings us to number eleven. Have you seen the commercial where Abe Lincoln and his wife Mary are getting dressed? She asks, “Do I look fat in this dress?” Lincoln pauses only for a second, but it’s too late; she goes storming out of the room. Remember, “He who hesitates is lost.” The answer is always a quick and emphatic, “No!”

Number ten: don’t tell your bride the most important event in your life is the Super Bowl. Number nine: never say to your wife, “What were you thinking?!” The moment I said that, I was thinking, “I won’t be getting any tonight.” Number eight: flirting with the cute girls at the Senior Center is always a no-no. Jo Ann just came up behind me and is giving me that look, so we’re going to skip the next six ways to make your wife really mad, and go to number one. The number one way to make your wife really mad . . . write an article about it!

So, let’s review what we’ve learned. 1) Never buy your wife a Cadillac. 2) Whoever possesses the checkbook has all the power. 3) Never tell your wife she smells. 4) If she asks you if she looks fat, always answer with a quick, emphatic, “No!” 5) Your wedding was the most important event in your life. 6) Keep your home peaceful; love your wife.

Come on down to the Senior Center. If a strange woman comes up to you, and gives you a big hug, it’s probably Jo Ann. Ask her if she’s that decadent woman you spotted riding around town in a Cadillac. I’ve been put in ‘time out.’ You’ll find me sitting in the corner at table number two. Come see us for lunch. Call 682-3022 by 9:30 AM for a reservation. We suggest a two-dollar donation. Call to save your spot on the van; we go down to Alamo on Mondays and Tuesdays for shopping and lunch out. The van can also pick you up for lunch at our Center on Wednesdays and Fridays. Join your friends for bridge on Tuesdays or Thursdays at 12:20. We have fun on Farkle Fridays. Many a morning Mexican Train is played before lunch. Roadrunner food bank is the first Wednesday of every month. Check out our website at The creator and designer of our website is the fabulous Marty Ware! This month we have Staff Appreciation Day on Friday, July 12th. Come that day; come join us any day Monday – Friday. God bless you all!

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