Follow Me to the Senior Center Dumber Than Dirt

By Carl and Jo Ann Hauser
As we get older we’re usually a little wiser, and can keep our dumber than dirt moments to just a few times a year. However, this last November I had two dumber than dirt moments just a few weeks apart.

My first mistake was I thought Romney was going to win, so we bought stock the day before the election, thinking the market would take a nice pop to the upside. (That worked out really well.) My second mistake occurred right after Thanksgiving. Jo Ann and I went on a five-day cruise. You know how they tell you to turn off your cell phones and leave them off while you are boarding? Well, I did the first part, but somehow in my infinite wisdom I decided I would turn on my phone to check the time once in a while, because we did not wear watches. There were two things wrong with that plan: first, as soon as you get out into international waters your phone can no longer keep the correct time; and second, I eventually forgot to turn my phone off. So, about forty-five minutes later, when I opened my phone again, It displayed this red warning sign that basically said, “Turn off your phone, you idiot! If you as so much as touch this phone, it’s going to cost you $20.44 per minute!” Now as near as I could figure, I had had the phone on a total of sixty minutes during the first day of the cruise. With a quick calculation I figured our phone bill was going to be about $1200. (I could buy a really nice watch for that!) Fortunately, we found out later because we did not actually make a call, or receive a call, and our phone was not capable of connecting to the Internet (we have dumb phones, not smart phones), we had no extra charges.

Sometimes in life you stumble across something that just shatters your concept of the real world. You know how in master bathrooms there often are two sinks: a his and a hers. (No doubt a woman’s idea) I believe most men are a little like me: maybe occasionally a little messy. My sink never looks all that pretty, and only looks clean for about an hour each week, right after Jo Ann and I do our weekly house-cleaning. Does your wife like to occasionally point out how clean and sparkly her sink looks all week, while yours is, let’s say, just disgusting? Does your wife like to walk around the house while brushing her teeth, so she can quote “multi-task,” making us men looks like lazy chumps? One day a few months ago I walked into our bedroom, apparently without being heard, rounded the corner toward our master bath, and to my shock and horror, what did I find? That’s right, my wife was spitting in MY sink! She looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Her feeble response was, “Your sink was already dirty.” Now that’s like the chicken or the egg question: Was my sink dirty because she spit in it, or did she spit in it because it was already dirty? Having my preconceptions shattered, I decided to get out my grandmother’s magnifying glass, and check for toothpaste drool on the carpet. Apparently, women can’t brush their teeth and fold laundry at the same time. I found drool! So now that I’ve uncovered one of the most diabolical plots known to man, stand up for yourself, men! That’s one less thing we have to be dumber than dirt about!

Every once in a while we witness something that’s just a bit out of the ordinary. I was at Discount Tires last fall down in Alamo. I had found a good deal on some all-terrain radials on their website. Of course, like a good salesman, he wanted to know if I was interested in some more expensive tires. But I was satisfied with what I had chosen. So, I was in their lobby watching through their glass window while they mounted my new tires, when in walks this guy and hands the salesman twenty dollars. With a puzzled look on his face the salesman says, “What’s this for?” The man with a smile on his face said, “Last week I had a tire blow out right in front of your store. I had no money, or any other way to pay, but your manager found an old tire that fit my car and was still in good shape. He mounted and balanced it for me, and said, ‘You can pay me twenty dollars when you can.’ So here I am, and I can’t thank you enough!” At that moment the kindness of the store manager had assured himself of two returning customers: the down and out stranger he helped, and me.

In December one of our volunteers at Roadrunner Foodbank, who wished to remain anonymous, decided to purchase one hundred and fifty hams to add to the food distribution. Nearly every family that came through that day had a better Christmas because of someone’s kindness.

So let’s review what we’ve learned. 1) Trying to time the stock market is generally a bad idea. 2) Having a dumb phone, however, is not all bad. 3) Your wife does drool on the carpet. 4) Start spitting in your wife’s sink. 5) Acts of kindness are never dumb! 6) My New Year’s Resolution for 2013 is to cut down on my dumber than dirt moments.
Come on down to our Senior Center, wise up and save a buck for one of the best lunches in town at just a two-dollar suggested donation. Also at the Senior Center you can exercise on Tuesdays and Fridays at 10:00, play bridge on Tuesdays and Thursdays right after lunch, play Joker on Tuesday right after lunch, and play Farkle after lunch on Friday. Sign up to ride the van to Alamogordo on Mondays and Tuesdays for shopping and lunch out. Remember our Roadrunner Food Bank is in operation the first Wednesday of every month after lunch. And do check out our fabulous website at www.mtnseniors.com, designed and maintained by Marty Ware. Make your New Year’s Resolution to come to the Senior Center more often. God bless you all!